Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
