Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
