Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
