I must be too annoying 4 u.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
