look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize