Having a random hookup so left but love u
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
