so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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