I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
