talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
