There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize