if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
How external is "for external use only"?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
