Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
