haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
