I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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