Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
