i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
