My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
