She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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