you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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