Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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