If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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