Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
