i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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