Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
