she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
