I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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