I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Randomize
