forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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