My liver just broke up with me...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
