I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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