4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
