You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
