last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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