I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
