cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
