Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
