Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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