I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
