I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
