that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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