Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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