like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Pooping to opera.
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