Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
