my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
