Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
