Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
