Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
