I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
