How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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