so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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