I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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