That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
