LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
