if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
