I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
worst night to have a conscience
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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