god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
