Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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