Already got asked if we're dating
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
