it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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