We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
