I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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